Tender Mercies

Even since I was diagnosed with cancer, my mind has been drawn to the talk Elder David A. Bednar gave in the April 2005 General Conference, "The Tender Mercies of the Lord." Elder Bednar says, "The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ"
Since my diagnosis, Dallas and I have seen so many tender mercies. There are too many to count, but I did want to share a few of the tender mercies we have had and the lessons we have learned. 

"The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live...I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."--Elder David A. Bednar. 

First, I want to just point out that I don't want to freak anyone out. I have a tendency to read other people's blogs and then worry that whatever is going on in their life is going to happen to me. And then I lose sleep over it. The fact that I've been diagnosed with cancer doesn't mean anyone else is more likely to get cancer than they were yesterday. My oncologist told me at my appointment that he doesn't know why I got cancer. I don't know why Heavenly Father allows these things to happen sometimes. Dallas gave me a blessing tonight and he blessed me that I'd be able to find out why I was given cancer as one of my trials. I'm working on that. But for now, here's a few of the tender mercies that have been given to us. 

1. Our life insurance policy was approved and submitted seriously, two weeks before I was diagnosed. No, I'm not going to die of cancer. But even once my cancer is gone, I seriously doubt that any life insurance company would give me a policy. The fact that the policy is in place and I'll have it for the rest of my life is such a blessing.  If you are married and don't have a life insurance policy, get one now while you are young and healthy. The policy Dallas and I got allows us to invest in it, and we can pull it out at a later date like when we are paying for our daughters weddings :)

2. I've learned that it's important to not let other people tell you when you should have children. Many people had strong opinions about the fact that Dallas and I had our daughters so soon after we got married. Baby Sister is getting older, and for the last few months before I was diagnosed (I think life is going to be like that--before I was diagnosed, after I was diagnosed) we had been fielding comments and questions about when we were going to have another baby. We just didn't feel good about it, so we didn't. I'm so thankful that we listened; cancer and pregnancy are not a good combination. There's a chance after I go through my cancer treatments that we may not be able to have more children. I'm unspeakably grateful that we didn't listen to anyone but Heavenly Father when we decided to have children. I'm very grateful that I have had two perfect and healthy pregnancies and that we have two perfect and healthy daughters. 

3. Dallas was originally planning on graduating in July. Because of complications with his military contract, we were going to be uninsured from April to July. We just didn't feel good about going that long without health insurance. Dallas was able to change his major and will graduate in April, allowing us to be continuously insured. If there is a gap in our insurance (by a couple of weeks or longer), we are eligibly for an insurance extension program. I'm so thankful for the military's healthcare, it is phenomenal.

4. We've been so blessed by service. The outpouring of love we have felt, like I mentioned in my last post, has been  overwhelmingly wonderful. We've had so many people offer to watch our girls that I think Dallas and I could go on a date every night for a month and have a new babysitter every time. We've already taken a lot of people up on their offers and I'm grateful that when they offered to help they really meant it. Our ward has been wonderful. They are such great people. We have a fantastic family and we have awesome friends. There have been so many people who have been so giving, it would take me days to write down all of the kind and thoughtful things people have said and done for us. I have a good friend who emailed me last week. She talked about some of the very difficult trials she's gone through and she said something very profound, "We were sustained by the faith of others. I was able to bear the burden because I felt the strength of the faith of countless others who were supplicating the Lord in our behalf." We have definitely felt that, and I am so grateful for so many people's faith and prayers that have sustained us. 

5. I don't want to sound like I am gushing to much, but my husband is an amazing man. He has stepped up so much the last couple of weeks and is always there for me. It's not easy to suddenly become someone's personal assistant and box of tissues wrapped up in one, and he hasn't let it faze him in the slightest. I'm so very lucky that he is stuck with me. When I am at my wits end and look around my life to see all of the broken pieces, he always manages to pick them up and put them back together for me. I'm so thankful for him, he is my rock.

6. Shortly after Dallas deployed, we decided to move back to the town that we now live in. The best oncologist in the area happens to have an office 5  minutes away. What a blessing.

7. Just the fact that they were able to catch my cancer when they did is a miracle in my eyes. I've touched on it before, but I am very grateful that other people around me listen to the Spirit.

We met with the oncologist this week. He's such a great guy! The first thing he did when he came in was tell us that everything is going to be okay. He was able to answer so many of our questions and we are feeling so so good about things. He is very confident that I will respond to my treatment well and after going through it all, I will be cancer free and able to live a normal life. 

My treatment will have three parts.

1. 5-6 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation. I will be receiving my chemo through a portable pump that is continually putting medicine in my veins. The side effects will be manageable, I shouldn't have nausea and I will keep my hair. (I am very excited about both of those.) 

2. In a couple of months, I will have surgery to remove my tumor, lymph nodes (as a precaution), and anything else that looks suspicious.

3. After I recover from my surgery, I will start back on chemotherapy. It will be a different kind of medicine, but the side effects will be similar, and I will also receive it in my pump. This chemo will last about 5 months. 

My oncologist said that the likelihood of my cancer coming back is very low and I will be tested periodically to ensure that everything is going well. 

Last week was hard, one of the worst weeks of my life. This week has been much better. We have gotten a lot of good news and are working on figuring out how we will get to our end goal--cancer free. In the next couple of days I am having a minor day surgery to implant a venous access port, basically a permanent IV, into my collarbone area that will allow me to be hooked up to the machine that administers my chemotherapy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The only other time I've had surgery is a couple of weeks ago, and we all know how well that turned out.  One of my big fears is needles and being unconscious while people cut into me. Lucky me, I don't have a choice about overcoming that fear :) I think after I'm done with this whole cancer thing I will go sky diving so that I can say I have conquered all of my fears. I'm sure the surgery will go fine, I'm just kind of a wuss. 

Today I listened to this great conference titled, "It's Better to Look Up".  "[If we] exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction." Elder Carl B. Cook.

It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by President Ezra Taft Benson "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their soals, and pour out peace."

I know that is true. I don't just believe it, I know it because I have lived it. I have felt Heavenly Father lift my spirits, strengthen and comfort me, and make more out of my life than I thought was possible. I've felt the prayers of those who have prayed for me and my family. I have felt your love and compassion and the love of our Savior. I didn't think I would ever go through anything harder than having my husband in Iraq for a year, but even though we are going through what has been the hardest thing I've ever done, I can honestly say that my life is filled with peace and joy. And I know it is only through our Savior, Jesus Christ, that that peace comes. "He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son." --"The Living Christ"