Ready for March

I am so ready for March to get here. 

There have been a lot of times I was dying for a new month. Dallas deployed in September of 2010 and I swear that month had 55 days. The month before both of my due dates have been killer, I was ready for the baby to be arriving this month, not next month. The month of my wedding (we got married on the 30th), the month before graduating high school, and all of the years I wished April would be over because my birthday was in May. Lots and lots of wishing for next month, but I'm pretty sure February 2012 takes the cake. I'm ready to put it behind me.


When I turned my calendar from January to February, I was remarkably carefree. I was focused on spending time with my family, Zumba class, enjoying having my husband home, focusing on his upcoming graduation, my schoolwork, times with friends and family, diving into my Activity Days calling, etc. etc. I seriously feel like a different person. I think I've aged at least 10 years. 


February brought us....
1 cancer diagnosis
2.5 surgeries (having another one tomorrow, more on that later)
5 IVs
1 overnight hospital stay
Dozens of babysitters
1 oncologist
1 radiologist
1 surgeon
100s of new facts about cancer
1 deep freezer (thanks Dal for the Valentine's Day gift!)
12 freezer meals
5 prescriptions filled
1 new church calling (Dallas was put in the Elder's Quorum presidency on Sunday)
Buckets of tears
Dozens of new cancer friends
Hours upon hours spent researching 
Gallons of new insights
An outpouring of love


I've also learned a few valuable lessons. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you will be overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. With emotion, fear, peace, hugs, and phone calls all rolled into one.


I've learned that for me, pregnancy has nothing on the weird stomach of cancer. And I haven't even started chemo yet. My pills I take make my stomach do crazy things. I hope I don't get much pickier on chemo because right now I am living off dry cereal, breakfast drinks, yogurt, and cinnamon rolls. The nurse told me to eat all I want because I will probably lose weight once I start treatment. I've been trying really hard because I have no desire to look like a scary thin model.


If you tell two people in the ward about your diagnosis, within 24 hours you will have anyone in the ward who has ever had cancer call you; the Relief Society presidency, Primary presidency, and Activity Day group will be pounding on your door. Within a week you will have had dozens of phone calls, a kitchen full of hot food and a freezer full of frozen meals. The people in our ward truly exemplify our Savior and the description Alma gave of the saints that met at the Waters of Mormon "...Ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life."


I've also learned that no one is in charge of my life but me. My destiny is not going to be controlled by any test result, any statistic, or any downer who wants to talk about the things I don't have instead of all of the things I do. I control my destiny. I choose who I'm going to be and how I'm going to do it. I don't care if I have to do it with a shaved head, scars, radiation tattoos, only a portion of a colon, a limp, no legs, green skin, in a wheelchair, with no teeth, or with the health of a 75 year old woman. I am going to be here for a long time. I am willing to make whatever sacrifice I need to to be here for my husband and my children and watch them grow up. (Half of those symptoms weren't real, in case you were worried). I know that our Father if Heaven is on my team and behind me 100%, along with countless other people. I know that our Savior healed the blind man, the leper, raised Lazarus from the dead, perfected the sinner, and died and was resurrected for each and every one of us. And I know that He will heal my body and that my doctors and nurses will be tools in His perfect hands to accomplish this. 


I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father gave me such a wonderful little family. My husband is an angel. He is so strong, so loving, so caring, so thoughtful, so kind, and so selfless. I don't even like to think about what my life would be like if I hadn't married him. We attended a temple wedding in January and the sealer gave the couple some beautiful advice. He shared my very favorite scripture. It has comforted me during countless trials. If I believed in getting tattoos, I would put it on my right arm so I could see it and always remember it. For now, I'm working on tattooing it on my heart. Helaman 5:12.


And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.


He then testified to them that if they built their marriage on the rock of our Redeemer if would not fail. It would withstand trials and heartaches and it would only bring them closer. I'm very grateful that we have tried very hard to build our marriage on that rock. When I feel myself slipping off that rock, my husband always takes my hand and pulls me back up. We've had some tough times lately and I'm glad that they haven't dragged us down.


I'm grateful for my little daughters. They are so good to me. Big Sister is so sweet and caring, she takes such good care of me. Today she got some Cheerios from the pantry, put them in one of her play dishes, brought me a fork and said, "I made you dinner! To helps yours tummy feel better!" (I always eat dry Cheerios when I am nauseous).


Baby Sister is hilarious. Hil.a.ri.ous. She is the kind of kid that laughs so hard and so deep that you're afraid her guts are going to come out of her mouth. Today I was carrying her and she started kicking her legs and jabbing my surgical wounds. I reminded her that I had big owies on my tummy and I needed her to be careful. She said, "Owies?" and gave me a big hug.  I gave birth to her just hours before Dallas left for his deployment and we almost didn't get pregnant with her because I was worried about Dallas being gone for so much. I thought about that when I laid her in her crib tonight and almost started to cry. I'm so thankful Heavenly Father intervened and let me know I needed this special girl in my life. 


I'm thankful that I not only have a wonderful immediate family, but I have a spider web of wonderful, wonderful people on both sides of our family who have reached out to us during this difficult time. I have had to rely on our family members more that I even did when Dallas was gone and I am so grateful for them. I have grown so much closer to many wonderful people in our family, and I just love them so much.
Alright, I've been pretty mushy, I'm sorry if I jabbered on for too long.


Cancer Update:
So my biopsy that they sent to Harvard or New York or wherever to receive a second opinion came back inconclusive. The bad news is that I have to get another biopsy done tomorrow and wait several more days for news before I can start my chemotherapy and radiation. The good news is that they know it is one of two types of cancer. The first kind is what they tailored my three part treatment around (Chemo and radiation, then surgery, then more chemo). The second kind is an even better type of cancer that would allow me to do a similar chemotherapy and radiation without a major surgery. Hopefully they are able to find out my type of cancer so I can start treatment and be one step closer to remission. I don't like to solicit prayers or anything, but any and all sent heavenward that they can accurately diagnose my cancer would be much appreciated. 


A lot of people have asked my how I'm feeling. The long answer is that all things considered, I'm doing great; if I take my medicine. I'm achy and tired, nauseous, uncomfortable, but fully functional. For you moms out there, it's the equivalent of being 5 months pregnant. Really good considering how you felt the first trimester and how crappy you will feel the next trimester, but not 100% either.


Another reason I am looking forward to March, turns out March is colon cancer awareness. My cancer is in the colon cancer family, it's technically colorectal cancer. Dallas got this email from a friend tonight. 

Sorry, the image isn't that great.

Team registration fee $100

Please contact Liz Panter to register your team.

529-8600 mountainviewhospital.org

All proceeds go to education and awareness of colon cancer.

Considering how important it is to raise awareness of the symptoms and going to the doctor, I wanted to post some symptoms of colon cancer. I'm sorry if it makes you squeamish, but knowing something was wrong with my body and continuing to go to the doctor until I found a solution will save my life.

From the American Cancer Society

Colorectal cancer may cause one or more of the symptoms below. If you have any of the following you should see your doctor:

• A change in bowel habits, such as diarrhea, constipation, or narrowing of the stool, that lasts for more than a few days
• A feeling that you need to have a bowel movement that is not relieved by doing so
• Rectal bleeding, dark stools, or blood in the stool (often, though, the stool will look normal)
• Cramping or abdominal (belly) pain
• Weakness and fatigue
• Unintended weight loss

Most of these symptoms are more often caused by conditions other than colorectal cancer, such as infection, hemorrhoids, or inflammatory bowel disease. Still, if you have any of these problems, it's important to see your doctor right away so the cause can be found and treated, if needed.

Read more here.

I bolded that last part because 9/10 times it's nothing to worry about, and I don't want to freak anyone out, I just want people to be aware that the problems could be very serious, and it's important to get them checked out. I'm 21 years old, they don't even recommend you start getting routine colonoscopies until you turn 50. 

Also, once again, probably too much information, but I thought for months I had hemorrhoids, and I had two doctors diagnose it as such after hearing my symptoms (itching, bleeding, pressure, pain, change in bowel habits), because I've had two kids and because 75% of people have hemorrhoids sometime in their life.

My only advice is to be smart, listen to your body, and go talk to your doctor, even if it's super embarrassing. I didn't by any means procrastinate discovering my cancer, but I first went to the doctor almost 18 months ago. He diagnosed it as hemorrhoids, wouldn't look me in the eye, and acted so embarrassed that I wanted to die. So I went home and didn't go back until Dallas talked me into seeing another doctor, he also diagnosed me with hemorrhoids, but we had a conversation about it and he referred me to my surgeon that eventually found my tumor. The second doctor I went to was awesome. I wasn't the least bit embarrassed, he was very professional, let me know that it's a common problem and that it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. If you want his name, let me know and I'll refer you.


This post is like a million miles long, but if you still stuck with me, I have one more thing to say. This talk by President Uchtdorf changed my life. He spoke in General Conference just shortly after Dallas left for Iraq. I was so busy trying to stay busy that I was running my guts out and constantly dropping the ball. I decided to slow down and focus on things that matter most and it made all the difference in my life. We were able to speed things up when Dallas came home, but now is another time of our life to slow down. It's very hard to do with doctors appointments, surgeries, school, church, kids, phone calls, scheduling; but we are really trying. I'm sorry to those people that I've been wanting to talk to more that I haven't been able to. I have been so busy, and the little time I have to myself I have been trying to rest, take care of my health, get my pantry and house in order for when I am sick, and spend time with my husband and little girls because they really need it. I hope once the initial diagnosis craziness dies down I will have time to have a heart to heart with all of the people I really want to talk to, but right now we are just trying to keep our heads above water! Thank you for understanding and being so loving and caring to us when we have no way (right now) of paying anyone back. We love you all.

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