Ready for March

I am so ready for March to get here. 

There have been a lot of times I was dying for a new month. Dallas deployed in September of 2010 and I swear that month had 55 days. The month before both of my due dates have been killer, I was ready for the baby to be arriving this month, not next month. The month of my wedding (we got married on the 30th), the month before graduating high school, and all of the years I wished April would be over because my birthday was in May. Lots and lots of wishing for next month, but I'm pretty sure February 2012 takes the cake. I'm ready to put it behind me.


When I turned my calendar from January to February, I was remarkably carefree. I was focused on spending time with my family, Zumba class, enjoying having my husband home, focusing on his upcoming graduation, my schoolwork, times with friends and family, diving into my Activity Days calling, etc. etc. I seriously feel like a different person. I think I've aged at least 10 years. 


February brought us....
1 cancer diagnosis
2.5 surgeries (having another one tomorrow, more on that later)
5 IVs
1 overnight hospital stay
Dozens of babysitters
1 oncologist
1 radiologist
1 surgeon
100s of new facts about cancer
1 deep freezer (thanks Dal for the Valentine's Day gift!)
12 freezer meals
5 prescriptions filled
1 new church calling (Dallas was put in the Elder's Quorum presidency on Sunday)
Buckets of tears
Dozens of new cancer friends
Hours upon hours spent researching 
Gallons of new insights
An outpouring of love


I've also learned a few valuable lessons. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you will be overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. With emotion, fear, peace, hugs, and phone calls all rolled into one.


I've learned that for me, pregnancy has nothing on the weird stomach of cancer. And I haven't even started chemo yet. My pills I take make my stomach do crazy things. I hope I don't get much pickier on chemo because right now I am living off dry cereal, breakfast drinks, yogurt, and cinnamon rolls. The nurse told me to eat all I want because I will probably lose weight once I start treatment. I've been trying really hard because I have no desire to look like a scary thin model.


If you tell two people in the ward about your diagnosis, within 24 hours you will have anyone in the ward who has ever had cancer call you; the Relief Society presidency, Primary presidency, and Activity Day group will be pounding on your door. Within a week you will have had dozens of phone calls, a kitchen full of hot food and a freezer full of frozen meals. The people in our ward truly exemplify our Savior and the description Alma gave of the saints that met at the Waters of Mormon "...Ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life."


I've also learned that no one is in charge of my life but me. My destiny is not going to be controlled by any test result, any statistic, or any downer who wants to talk about the things I don't have instead of all of the things I do. I control my destiny. I choose who I'm going to be and how I'm going to do it. I don't care if I have to do it with a shaved head, scars, radiation tattoos, only a portion of a colon, a limp, no legs, green skin, in a wheelchair, with no teeth, or with the health of a 75 year old woman. I am going to be here for a long time. I am willing to make whatever sacrifice I need to to be here for my husband and my children and watch them grow up. (Half of those symptoms weren't real, in case you were worried). I know that our Father if Heaven is on my team and behind me 100%, along with countless other people. I know that our Savior healed the blind man, the leper, raised Lazarus from the dead, perfected the sinner, and died and was resurrected for each and every one of us. And I know that He will heal my body and that my doctors and nurses will be tools in His perfect hands to accomplish this. 


I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father gave me such a wonderful little family. My husband is an angel. He is so strong, so loving, so caring, so thoughtful, so kind, and so selfless. I don't even like to think about what my life would be like if I hadn't married him. We attended a temple wedding in January and the sealer gave the couple some beautiful advice. He shared my very favorite scripture. It has comforted me during countless trials. If I believed in getting tattoos, I would put it on my right arm so I could see it and always remember it. For now, I'm working on tattooing it on my heart. Helaman 5:12.


And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.


He then testified to them that if they built their marriage on the rock of our Redeemer if would not fail. It would withstand trials and heartaches and it would only bring them closer. I'm very grateful that we have tried very hard to build our marriage on that rock. When I feel myself slipping off that rock, my husband always takes my hand and pulls me back up. We've had some tough times lately and I'm glad that they haven't dragged us down.


I'm grateful for my little daughters. They are so good to me. Big Sister is so sweet and caring, she takes such good care of me. Today she got some Cheerios from the pantry, put them in one of her play dishes, brought me a fork and said, "I made you dinner! To helps yours tummy feel better!" (I always eat dry Cheerios when I am nauseous).


Baby Sister is hilarious. Hil.a.ri.ous. She is the kind of kid that laughs so hard and so deep that you're afraid her guts are going to come out of her mouth. Today I was carrying her and she started kicking her legs and jabbing my surgical wounds. I reminded her that I had big owies on my tummy and I needed her to be careful. She said, "Owies?" and gave me a big hug.  I gave birth to her just hours before Dallas left for his deployment and we almost didn't get pregnant with her because I was worried about Dallas being gone for so much. I thought about that when I laid her in her crib tonight and almost started to cry. I'm so thankful Heavenly Father intervened and let me know I needed this special girl in my life. 


I'm thankful that I not only have a wonderful immediate family, but I have a spider web of wonderful, wonderful people on both sides of our family who have reached out to us during this difficult time. I have had to rely on our family members more that I even did when Dallas was gone and I am so grateful for them. I have grown so much closer to many wonderful people in our family, and I just love them so much.
Alright, I've been pretty mushy, I'm sorry if I jabbered on for too long.


Cancer Update:
So my biopsy that they sent to Harvard or New York or wherever to receive a second opinion came back inconclusive. The bad news is that I have to get another biopsy done tomorrow and wait several more days for news before I can start my chemotherapy and radiation. The good news is that they know it is one of two types of cancer. The first kind is what they tailored my three part treatment around (Chemo and radiation, then surgery, then more chemo). The second kind is an even better type of cancer that would allow me to do a similar chemotherapy and radiation without a major surgery. Hopefully they are able to find out my type of cancer so I can start treatment and be one step closer to remission. I don't like to solicit prayers or anything, but any and all sent heavenward that they can accurately diagnose my cancer would be much appreciated. 


A lot of people have asked my how I'm feeling. The long answer is that all things considered, I'm doing great; if I take my medicine. I'm achy and tired, nauseous, uncomfortable, but fully functional. For you moms out there, it's the equivalent of being 5 months pregnant. Really good considering how you felt the first trimester and how crappy you will feel the next trimester, but not 100% either.


Another reason I am looking forward to March, turns out March is colon cancer awareness. My cancer is in the colon cancer family, it's technically colorectal cancer. Dallas got this email from a friend tonight. 

Sorry, the image isn't that great.

Team registration fee $100

Please contact Liz Panter to register your team.

529-8600 mountainviewhospital.org

All proceeds go to education and awareness of colon cancer.

Considering how important it is to raise awareness of the symptoms and going to the doctor, I wanted to post some symptoms of colon cancer. I'm sorry if it makes you squeamish, but knowing something was wrong with my body and continuing to go to the doctor until I found a solution will save my life.

From the American Cancer Society

Colorectal cancer may cause one or more of the symptoms below. If you have any of the following you should see your doctor:

• A change in bowel habits, such as diarrhea, constipation, or narrowing of the stool, that lasts for more than a few days
• A feeling that you need to have a bowel movement that is not relieved by doing so
• Rectal bleeding, dark stools, or blood in the stool (often, though, the stool will look normal)
• Cramping or abdominal (belly) pain
• Weakness and fatigue
• Unintended weight loss

Most of these symptoms are more often caused by conditions other than colorectal cancer, such as infection, hemorrhoids, or inflammatory bowel disease. Still, if you have any of these problems, it's important to see your doctor right away so the cause can be found and treated, if needed.

Read more here.

I bolded that last part because 9/10 times it's nothing to worry about, and I don't want to freak anyone out, I just want people to be aware that the problems could be very serious, and it's important to get them checked out. I'm 21 years old, they don't even recommend you start getting routine colonoscopies until you turn 50. 

Also, once again, probably too much information, but I thought for months I had hemorrhoids, and I had two doctors diagnose it as such after hearing my symptoms (itching, bleeding, pressure, pain, change in bowel habits), because I've had two kids and because 75% of people have hemorrhoids sometime in their life.

My only advice is to be smart, listen to your body, and go talk to your doctor, even if it's super embarrassing. I didn't by any means procrastinate discovering my cancer, but I first went to the doctor almost 18 months ago. He diagnosed it as hemorrhoids, wouldn't look me in the eye, and acted so embarrassed that I wanted to die. So I went home and didn't go back until Dallas talked me into seeing another doctor, he also diagnosed me with hemorrhoids, but we had a conversation about it and he referred me to my surgeon that eventually found my tumor. The second doctor I went to was awesome. I wasn't the least bit embarrassed, he was very professional, let me know that it's a common problem and that it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. If you want his name, let me know and I'll refer you.


This post is like a million miles long, but if you still stuck with me, I have one more thing to say. This talk by President Uchtdorf changed my life. He spoke in General Conference just shortly after Dallas left for Iraq. I was so busy trying to stay busy that I was running my guts out and constantly dropping the ball. I decided to slow down and focus on things that matter most and it made all the difference in my life. We were able to speed things up when Dallas came home, but now is another time of our life to slow down. It's very hard to do with doctors appointments, surgeries, school, church, kids, phone calls, scheduling; but we are really trying. I'm sorry to those people that I've been wanting to talk to more that I haven't been able to. I have been so busy, and the little time I have to myself I have been trying to rest, take care of my health, get my pantry and house in order for when I am sick, and spend time with my husband and little girls because they really need it. I hope once the initial diagnosis craziness dies down I will have time to have a heart to heart with all of the people I really want to talk to, but right now we are just trying to keep our heads above water! Thank you for understanding and being so loving and caring to us when we have no way (right now) of paying anyone back. We love you all.

Congratulations! You have now read 2,500 words :)

Pearls

The birth of a pearl is truly a miraculous event. Unlike gemstones or precious metals that must be mined from the earth, pearls are grown by live oysters far below the surface of the sea. Gemstones must be cut and polished to bring out their beauty. But pearls need no such treatment to reveal their loveliness. They are born from oysters complete -- with a shimmering iridescence, lustre and soft inner glow unlike any other gem on earth.

A natural pearl begins its life as a foreign object, such as a parasite or piece of shell that accidentally lodges itself in an oyster's soft inner body where it cannot be expelled. To ease this irritant, the oyster's body takes defensive action. The oyster begins to secrete a smooth, hard crystalline substance around the irritant in order to protect itself. This substance is called "nacre." As long as the irritant remains within its body, the oyster will continue to secrete nacre around it, layer upon layer. Over time, the irritant will be completely encased by the silky crystalline coatings. And the result, ultimately, is the lovely and lustrous gem called a pearl.

How something so wondrous emerges from an oyster's way of protecting itself is one of nature's loveliest surprises. For the nacre is not just a soothing substance. It is composed of microscopic crystals of calcium carbonate, aligned perfectly with one another, so that light passing along the axis of one crystal is reflected and refracted by another to produce a rainbow of light and color.




Dallas says that I would be the worst drug addict ever.  I hate being on drugs, I hate that cloudy and confused feeling when I can't clear the cobwebs out of my brain. I had surgery on Thursday to implant my port into my collarbone area. The port has a tube that opens near my heart. It's essentially a permanent IV, I will receive my chemotherapy through my port and blood can be drawn from my port without having to find a vein. 

Because of the location of the cancer, there is a very good chance that my radiation will effect my fertility. When I went in for my surgery, my OB-GYN moved my ovaries up into my belly to protect them from my radiation. When I have my big surgery in a couple of months, they will move them back. This type of surgery is called laparoscopic ovarian transposition. Basically I now have a sweet scar on my shoulder, two on each side of my belly button and one above my belly button. Yes, I'm not too happy about the plethora of scars on my abdomen, but the way I figure, the one on my shoulder means I get to watch my kids grow up and the ones on my belly mean that there is a good chance we will get to have more. Once all of my cancer is cleared up, we're going to pray that God sends us a miracle baby.

Recovery from my surgery has been okay. I ended up staying at the hospital overnight to help me get the pain under control. I'm home now and I'm recovering, slowly but surely. I always freak out when I come out of my anesthesia and I hate having to take all of the drugs that make me sleepy. I hate having to be taken care of like a newborn, I hate that I can't pick up my own kids, I hate that I am so foggy I can barely string a sentence together. What's the point of all of my whining and complaining? The thing I learned today is that it's okay if life sucks sometimes. It's okay that I think the fact that I have cancer kind of sucks. It's okay if you have a crappy day. Because whether you like it or not, sometimes you've got a piece of sand stuck in your oyster body. Pretending like it's not there doesn't make it disappear. The thing that matters is what you do about it. I love this quote by Elder Holland, "Yes, life has its problems, and yes, there are negative things to face, but please accept one of Elder Holland’s maxims for living—no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse."


During Biblical times, oxen were used to work the soil. The prick or goad was a necessary devise. The prick was usually a wooden shaft with a pointed spike (prick) at one end. The man working the ox would position the goad in such a way as to exert influence and control over the ox. You see, if the ox refused the command indicated by the farmer, the goad would be used to jab or prick the ox. Sometimes the ox would refuse this incentive by kicking out at the prick. As result, the prick would be driven deeper into the flesh of the rebellious animal. The more the animal rebelled, the more the animal suffered. 


When an oyster had a piece of shell stuck in its body, it can whine about it, but that doesn't solve the problem. It can kick against it, but that still doesn't solve the problem. The oyster takes defensive action.  It creates a material that surrounds the cause of the pain and over time, with a lot of persistence, it layers the irritant with a silky smooth nacre until it turns the uncomfortable and painful object into something beautiful. It channels its frustration into action. I've met a lot of people in my life who have had hard times. I've seen some people whine and complain and kick against the pricks until their trial turned into a nasty, bleeding blister. And I've seen some people take a terrible trial and turn it into the most beautiful pearl you've ever seen.

I was singing "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" to Big Sister before bed tonight and I had an interesting thought. If Jesus lived my life, I don't think He would complain nearly as much as I do. I don't think He would be as grouchy with my family. I don't think He would be so irritable and frustrated. I think He would be much more patient and kind than I am.  


The last few days haven't been my best. But starting right now, I am going to try so much harder to turn my trial into a pearl. I'm going to try harder to focus on the things I do have, not the things I don't.  


I first read this quote at my bishop's house. I love it, it is a good reminder to me when I get too caught up in everything being perfect, or that everything seems so broken. Our life is far from perfect, but it is a wonderful life that I wouldn't change for anything.

This is Big Sister's favorite song lately. She sings it all. day. long. I remember when I was little I would sit out on the swing set in my backyard and sing this song and swing for hours. It's easy to forget that Heavenly Father loves you, that's why He gave us so many things to help us remember.

Tender Mercies

Even since I was diagnosed with cancer, my mind has been drawn to the talk Elder David A. Bednar gave in the April 2005 General Conference, "The Tender Mercies of the Lord." Elder Bednar says, "The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ"
Since my diagnosis, Dallas and I have seen so many tender mercies. There are too many to count, but I did want to share a few of the tender mercies we have had and the lessons we have learned. 

"The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live...I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."--Elder David A. Bednar. 

First, I want to just point out that I don't want to freak anyone out. I have a tendency to read other people's blogs and then worry that whatever is going on in their life is going to happen to me. And then I lose sleep over it. The fact that I've been diagnosed with cancer doesn't mean anyone else is more likely to get cancer than they were yesterday. My oncologist told me at my appointment that he doesn't know why I got cancer. I don't know why Heavenly Father allows these things to happen sometimes. Dallas gave me a blessing tonight and he blessed me that I'd be able to find out why I was given cancer as one of my trials. I'm working on that. But for now, here's a few of the tender mercies that have been given to us. 

1. Our life insurance policy was approved and submitted seriously, two weeks before I was diagnosed. No, I'm not going to die of cancer. But even once my cancer is gone, I seriously doubt that any life insurance company would give me a policy. The fact that the policy is in place and I'll have it for the rest of my life is such a blessing.  If you are married and don't have a life insurance policy, get one now while you are young and healthy. The policy Dallas and I got allows us to invest in it, and we can pull it out at a later date like when we are paying for our daughters weddings :)

2. I've learned that it's important to not let other people tell you when you should have children. Many people had strong opinions about the fact that Dallas and I had our daughters so soon after we got married. Baby Sister is getting older, and for the last few months before I was diagnosed (I think life is going to be like that--before I was diagnosed, after I was diagnosed) we had been fielding comments and questions about when we were going to have another baby. We just didn't feel good about it, so we didn't. I'm so thankful that we listened; cancer and pregnancy are not a good combination. There's a chance after I go through my cancer treatments that we may not be able to have more children. I'm unspeakably grateful that we didn't listen to anyone but Heavenly Father when we decided to have children. I'm very grateful that I have had two perfect and healthy pregnancies and that we have two perfect and healthy daughters. 

3. Dallas was originally planning on graduating in July. Because of complications with his military contract, we were going to be uninsured from April to July. We just didn't feel good about going that long without health insurance. Dallas was able to change his major and will graduate in April, allowing us to be continuously insured. If there is a gap in our insurance (by a couple of weeks or longer), we are eligibly for an insurance extension program. I'm so thankful for the military's healthcare, it is phenomenal.

4. We've been so blessed by service. The outpouring of love we have felt, like I mentioned in my last post, has been  overwhelmingly wonderful. We've had so many people offer to watch our girls that I think Dallas and I could go on a date every night for a month and have a new babysitter every time. We've already taken a lot of people up on their offers and I'm grateful that when they offered to help they really meant it. Our ward has been wonderful. They are such great people. We have a fantastic family and we have awesome friends. There have been so many people who have been so giving, it would take me days to write down all of the kind and thoughtful things people have said and done for us. I have a good friend who emailed me last week. She talked about some of the very difficult trials she's gone through and she said something very profound, "We were sustained by the faith of others. I was able to bear the burden because I felt the strength of the faith of countless others who were supplicating the Lord in our behalf." We have definitely felt that, and I am so grateful for so many people's faith and prayers that have sustained us. 

5. I don't want to sound like I am gushing to much, but my husband is an amazing man. He has stepped up so much the last couple of weeks and is always there for me. It's not easy to suddenly become someone's personal assistant and box of tissues wrapped up in one, and he hasn't let it faze him in the slightest. I'm so very lucky that he is stuck with me. When I am at my wits end and look around my life to see all of the broken pieces, he always manages to pick them up and put them back together for me. I'm so thankful for him, he is my rock.

6. Shortly after Dallas deployed, we decided to move back to the town that we now live in. The best oncologist in the area happens to have an office 5  minutes away. What a blessing.

7. Just the fact that they were able to catch my cancer when they did is a miracle in my eyes. I've touched on it before, but I am very grateful that other people around me listen to the Spirit.

We met with the oncologist this week. He's such a great guy! The first thing he did when he came in was tell us that everything is going to be okay. He was able to answer so many of our questions and we are feeling so so good about things. He is very confident that I will respond to my treatment well and after going through it all, I will be cancer free and able to live a normal life. 

My treatment will have three parts.

1. 5-6 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation. I will be receiving my chemo through a portable pump that is continually putting medicine in my veins. The side effects will be manageable, I shouldn't have nausea and I will keep my hair. (I am very excited about both of those.) 

2. In a couple of months, I will have surgery to remove my tumor, lymph nodes (as a precaution), and anything else that looks suspicious.

3. After I recover from my surgery, I will start back on chemotherapy. It will be a different kind of medicine, but the side effects will be similar, and I will also receive it in my pump. This chemo will last about 5 months. 

My oncologist said that the likelihood of my cancer coming back is very low and I will be tested periodically to ensure that everything is going well. 

Last week was hard, one of the worst weeks of my life. This week has been much better. We have gotten a lot of good news and are working on figuring out how we will get to our end goal--cancer free. In the next couple of days I am having a minor day surgery to implant a venous access port, basically a permanent IV, into my collarbone area that will allow me to be hooked up to the machine that administers my chemotherapy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The only other time I've had surgery is a couple of weeks ago, and we all know how well that turned out.  One of my big fears is needles and being unconscious while people cut into me. Lucky me, I don't have a choice about overcoming that fear :) I think after I'm done with this whole cancer thing I will go sky diving so that I can say I have conquered all of my fears. I'm sure the surgery will go fine, I'm just kind of a wuss. 

Today I listened to this great conference titled, "It's Better to Look Up".  "[If we] exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction." Elder Carl B. Cook.

It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by President Ezra Taft Benson "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their soals, and pour out peace."

I know that is true. I don't just believe it, I know it because I have lived it. I have felt Heavenly Father lift my spirits, strengthen and comfort me, and make more out of my life than I thought was possible. I've felt the prayers of those who have prayed for me and my family. I have felt your love and compassion and the love of our Savior. I didn't think I would ever go through anything harder than having my husband in Iraq for a year, but even though we are going through what has been the hardest thing I've ever done, I can honestly say that my life is filled with peace and joy. And I know it is only through our Savior, Jesus Christ, that that peace comes. "He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son." --"The Living Christ"  

Some Blog Junk

I love having a private blog because I feel comfortable sharing pictures, stories, etc. and knowing who it is that has access to my personal information. The lame part of private blogs is that you have a 100 person cap. And today we hit that cap. And I still have about 15 people who want to view our blog that I haven't invited yet. So I decided to do it this way: all of my cancer updates, etc. will be on my public cancer blog. All of my personal family things and pictures will be on my private blog. I will be referring to my daughters as Big Sister and Little Sister and will try to keep too much personal information off of this blog, but I will update it as frequently as I can without taking time away from my family. Below are my first two cancer posts from earlier this week. I am hoping to post again this weekend with a lot more information. Because I am at my 100 person cap, if you are mostly just interesting in following my cancer updates, please ignore the invitation to my family blog and I will delete it, allowing more people to access my family blog. Sorry for the confusion, I think it will just be easier this way.

One other thing, I'm going to try to keep things fairly vague as far as details on this blog and mostly talk about my feelings, how our family is doing, etc. Honestly, I don't want to be the butt of anyone's joke and I don't want to over share to the point that I feel like people are gossiping about my personal life. Cancer is a very private matter and I really appreciate that, for the most part, everyone has respected that and been really supportive and positive.  I really want this blog to be an outlet of healing for me, and I'd appreciate it if everyone would help me with that.

Thanks again for all the love! I'm hoping to give this blog a little more love with some cute layouts, more posts, pictures, quotes, etc. before I start my chemo but no promises. If you're wondering at the title of my blog it's based on the following scripture from Ecclesiastes:

 1 To every thing there is a ^aseason, and a ^btime to every purpose under the heaven:

 2 A ^atime to be born, and a time to ^bdie; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 4 A time to weep, and a time to ^alaugh; a time to ^bmourn, and a time to dance;

 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 6 A time to ^aget, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 7 A time to ^arend, and a time to sew; a time to keep ^bsilence, and a time to speak;

 8 A time to love, and a time to ^ahate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I decided that this part of my life is a time to fight; a time to fight and a time to heal.