Where's Yours Hair Go?

I haven't posted lately, I've been pretty sick. It's been almost three weeks since my last round of chemotherapy and I've been in a word: miserable. I decided I'd rather not fill my blog up with how miserably sick I've been, so I haven't really posted. There's so much complaining and negativity on the internet, and I'd rather my blog be a place of happiness and positive energy, even though life isn't perfect and I have hard days. To make a long story short, I am one of the very few people whose body has a very severe reaction to the type of chemo that is needed to treat my cancer. I'll be getting test results back next week to see if I have an enzyme deficiency that caused me to react so poorly to my chemotherapy. Basically every symptom I could have gotten, I got in full force. I had severe sores all over my body that made it impossible to swallow, so I ended up having to be admitted to the hospital and I got several days of IV fluids. I lost about 15 pounds but I've gained some of that back, so I am definitely on the upswing. According to my oncologist, on a scale of 1 to 10, my chemotherapy hit me at a full 10.  As soon as one symptom started to be relieved, another one would start up. We had to take a break from my radiation to allow my burns to heal, but things are finally doing a lot better and I started back on radiation today. Today is the first day in weeks that I have felt "sick" and not "miserable". I know that make me sounds like such a downer, but I am grateful for small blessings. 


I do my second and final (!) round of chemo next week and I finish up my radiation as well so I am pretty excited! It will take some time for my body to recover, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm grateful for that. This whole process has been really hard, my body has gone through more than I thought was physically possible, but the hardest part has been not being able to take care of my family the way I want to. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the multitude of angels I have in my life who have taken care of everything and made sure that my family has wanted for nothing. My husband amazes me, he has single handedly taken over everything I did, plus being my full time nurse and therapist and did I mention he graduated with his bachelor's degree last week?!? I am in no position to ever complain about my husband leaving his socks lying around or not changing diapers. If anything it is the other way around! I'm so thankful I have had so many willing hands to take such good care of our girls. They are doing so well considering the circumstances and I'm so grateful I have been able to rest knowing they are being taken care of by such wonderful moms. 

Dallas' graduation. 

About ten days ago, my hair started falling out. I cut it short and was able to get through a few more days, but the constant shedding was driving me crazy. My sister came up and spent a couple of days with me while Dallas had military stuff. She showed me a bunch of youtube videos on scarf tying and brought me extra fabric, so after ordering some scarves online and realizing that my hair was too thin to wear without a hat, I decided to just get it over it. I never in a million years thought I would shave my head! I know this sounds super weird, but it was actually really fun. I took scissors to my head and started cutting it like a five year old hacking away at Barbie hair, then Dallas and I took the clippers to it and buzzed it short. It was awesome, it was like a fresh start. I've been constantly brushing itchy hairs off my shirt, cleaning the drain, and sweeping the floor trying to get rid of all the hair, so just shaving it off and throwing it away felt awesome. I got a bit of a head rush when I saw myself totally bald in the mirror and I had to stick my head between my knees to keep from throwing up, but I got over the initial shock. 


I thought losing my hair would be a bigger deal to me. I've been growing it out for the last couple years. I have a whole board on Pinterest full of cute ways to braid my hair, twist it, and style it in beautiful ways. I've loved having it long and I was so excited for Dallas to see my hair in person when he came home from Iraq because I had had short hair as long as we'd known each other. Getting my hair done and fixing it in an attractive way made me feel beautiful and feminine. After I was diagnosed with cancer, I went to the temple and I had a thought. Hair doesn't make me beautiful. Makeup and clothes, while they enhance beauty, they're not what makes me beautiful. I feel the most beautiful when I am rocking my babies to sleep, when I am fixing my family dinner, and when I go on a date with my husband. I feel beautiful when I go to church and take the sacrament. I feel beautiful when I brighten someone's day or serve someone in need. Being a wife and being a mom, being a daughter of God, that's what makes me beautiful. When Dallas finished shaving my head, he looked at me in the mirror. I had no hair, no makeup on, and he looked me in the eye, gave me a kiss, and said, "You are beautiful." And you know what? I believe him. 


This morning when we were in the car Big Sister spotted my wig sitting in the backseat (I haven't worn it yet) and was really confused. She said, "What's yours hair doing back here?" I told her it was a wig and it was pretend hair like a hat, but to her that made no sense. "That's Nana's hair?" she kept asking me. (My mom had shoulder length blonde hair, so I guess that kind of made sense.) When we got home, I took off my hat and showed the girls my bald head. "Where's yours hair go Mom?" she asked. I told her that the medicine they gave me to help my cancer made it fall out. She asked me where it went and I said it was in the garbage. She looked at me, really confused, and then it was like a lightbulb went off in her head. "Mom! It's in the car! Yours hair is in the car! Go get it and put it back! Go get it! Why did you take it off?" Needless to say, Dallas and I have had a good laugh about that today. I finally was able to explain to  her that my hair was going to grow back, but for now it was gone. After she scolded me for throwing it away and told me to be nice to my head, she asked if her hair was going to fall out. Thankfully, I promised her that it wouldn't. I told her that Dad said I look beautiful and I said, "Sis, do you think I'm beautiful?" She looked at me and gave me a kiss and said, "Yes, you are so bootiful Mom." Baby Sister touched my head, touched her head, then laughed at me like I was the silliest Mom in the world for losing my hair. I don't know what I would do without my sweet little family to get me through the hard days. Eventually I'm going to post some pictures of me in my head scarves (I'm sure I'll have plenty because I'm probably going to be bald ALL SUMMER.) but for now I'm just going to close with one of my favorite Mormon Messages. 


"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result." 
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin



I know I just have a few people that read this, but those of you that do and are going through your own trials like we all do, I hope you are able to find joy in your life. Things have been hard lately, but my life is filled with so many small joys and blessings. When I ask Heavenly Father for help, He always points them out and shows me how blessed I really am.