Heal the Wound But Leave the Scar

       I realize it's been almost a year since I updated this blog, but it's not because I haven't thought about it. I've thought and thought and thought about it, I just haven't written anything. Ernest Hemingway said, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." I guess I've been afraid to sit down and bleed and share it with others, so I haven't. I decided to go back to school this fall and focus more on writing, so I thought this blog would be a good place to start.

       After I found out I was cancer free, I was planning on writing a blog post called, "Full Circle" and talk about how everything with my cancer had come full circle. The day the doctor's found my tumor, my brother got his mission call. We were planning on being there when he opened it, but life had other plans. When he was opening his call, at 6:00 pm, I was getting an CT scan to see if the cancer had spread to any of my organs (thankfully, it hadn't). I remember checking my phone while I was laying on the table, and it said 6:04. It was one of the worse feelings ever. Four months later, exactly a week before he left on his mission, the biopsy results came back that I was cancer-free. That was one of the best feelings ever. The Lord is definitely aware of our circumstances and timing. When someone chooses to serve a mission, their whole family is blessed. That I know for certain.

     I kept planning on writing a post about that and how everything had come full circle, but I never really felt like it had come full circle. Even now, over a year after my diagnosis, I don't feel like it has come full circle. I don't feel like my cancer journey is "over". Yes, I'm cancer-free, but I still live in pain every day. I feel like I live my life in three-month increments between biopsies. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to fit in my next cancer check at the hospital, I missed it last week because of the stomach flu. I look at pictures before my cancer, with my long hair, and I don't feel like I've come full circle back to the person I was. Life doesn't have some magic eraser that you can use to blot out the least favorite memories. 

This picture was taken on our cruise about five months before I was diagnosed.

       I have this image in my head that I refer back to whenever I try to remember how far I've come. It was the day I shaved my head. I'd been so sick on chemo and I had radiation burns down my legs. I was still using a wheelchair anytime I had to walk more than 20 steps. Dallas had helped me shave my head and then I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I saw myself in the mirror and it made me sick.  I was so skinny you could count my ribs. I was bald and I had scars criss-crossing my abdomen. I was hunched over because it hurt too much to walk. I quickly looked away. That was probably my low point. Cancer has a way of stripping you down to the bare bones. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, it leaves you raw. 

       Physically, I'm almost all better. All my scars have healed. I've been cancer free 10 months now. I've regained most of the flexibility in my legs. I'm sleeping and exercising again. I've don't take painkillers anymore. My hair has grown back. 

       Emotionally, I'm healing, but it has taken a lot longer. I've been waiting to feel like the person I was before, for everything to come full circle, and I don't think that's ever going to happen. In a lot of ways, that's good. I'm more thankful for my blessings. I don't stress about the little things. I'm more patient with my girls. I am closer to my husband than ever. In some ways, it's hard. I feel like I have a hidden weight I carry around that other people don't. I try not to live in constant fear that my cancer will come back, but every time my three month cancer check comes up, I find myself thinking about what-ifs. I stress way too much about my hair. But I've come a long way. Sometimes I go days without thinking about cancer at all. My life no longer revolves around pill schedules, chemo, or how I'm feeling that day. I look at the picture below and I know I'm not that person anymore either, I've come a long way.

       This picture was taken at the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life last summer. I'm wearing my purple survivor shirt. On the back it says, "SURVIVOR. I am hope!"

       I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I miss the person I used to be, I'm happy with the person I am today. I don't worry as much what other people think about me. I am happy every day. I try harder to be the person I want to be. I don't let silly things that don't matter keep me from living the life I've always imagined. I tell people "I love you" more. 

       I try to live a life without regrets. Elder Uchtdorf's talk last conference pierced my soul. He talked about how to live a life without regret.

To avoid some of the deepest regrets of life, it would be wise to make some resolutions today. Therefore, let us:

• Resolve to spend more time with those we love. 
• Resolve to strive more earnestly to become the person God wants us to be.
• Resolve to find happiness, regardless of our circumstances.

--Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

       In the meantime, I'm still working on healing and finding joy in the journey. Nothing really comes "full circle". Life moves forward, people change. You can choose whether you're going to move forward with it or not. My husband tells me all the time, "Remember, you don't have cancer anymore." And I don't! I'm moving past it. I love this quote I heard the other day.

       I love this quote, too. Every trial will end someday. The sun always rises. If you rely on Jesus Christ, your night will be a little less dark because it will be illuminated by the light of our Savior. That I know for certain. Jesus Christ is the Savior of mankind and the Light and Life of the world. There is no wound too deep, no sin too red, no life too broken for Him to heal with His miraculous atonement. I don't just believe that. I know it, I live it, and I love it. 

       Below are the some of the lyrics to the song that inspired my post. It came on Pandora today and the words pierced my soul.  I highly recommend listening to this song; there's something about music that soothes the soul and speaks to us in a way that words cannot.

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don't take pride in what I bring

But I'll build an altar with

The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing

Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget

Everything You've done for me

Don't let me forget

The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

       I'm thankful for my scars. Every time I see the two inch gash on my shoulder it reminds me that I'm a survivor and that I've been healed. I'm looking forward to the day when we are all resurrected. Our bodies will return to a perfect and all the scars will be gone, because they won't matter anymore. In the meantime, I'm thankful for a daily reminder that my life has been touched by the hand of God. 

How to Really Raise Awareness for Cancer

I'm planning a big post coming up on being cancer-free, the last 6 months, etc. but for now I wanted to share this picture.

Be smart about cancer! "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear!"

Done with Chemo and Radiation!

It's been a long time! I've been busy, and when I do have spare time, I've been trying to get back into the swing of things.

I finished my chemotherapy and my radiation about a month ago.  I got my chemo pump off on a Friday and I finished up my radiation on a Monday. Some days it felt like I was never going to finish. When my last radiation treatment was over, my therapists hit the lights, turned on the disco ball and the bubble machine, and played music to congratulate me. 
I felt like a super big dork accepting my "You Did It!" certificate, but it was very sweet.


My third round of chemo went much better than my second. I was still sick, yucky, nauseous, exhausted, dizzy, etc. but compared to round 2, I felt great. I'm still working on recovering from my radiation and all of its "fun" side effects, but at my one month checkup my radiologist said my skin looked great. The best part about finishing my cancer treatment was that the Wednesday after I finished I was able to have my girls home with me all day by myself. Since February, I've basically had to have someone either take the girls for the day, or come up and help me with them. In many cases, the girls would go to someone else's house for the day and someone would come up and stay with me. Since Dallas graduated and started working full time, it was even trickier to get everything worked out. I'm so thankful for our family and friends, for everyone who babysat, ran to the pharmacy, took me to my appointments, brought food, offered prayers, and on and on. Everyone is busy. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, "I have absolutely nothing I need to or want to do today. I guess I'll go help Carissa." I know everyone who helped us sacrificed to do so, and I'm very thankful for them. 


As much as I appreciate all of the help, I was so excited the first day I was able to take care of the girls all day by myself. It was a wonderful accomplishment. To this day, I still spend a lot of time on the couch, and Dallas is still doing a lot of the laundry and other chores, but I am able to get everyone fed, bathed, dressed, down for naps, etc. I've even gone to the grocery store a couple of times and I've eased back in to making dinner. I didn't realize how much the simple, everyday things meant to me until I couldn't do them. I've discovered just how joyous it can me to take care of simple things for your family.

In two weeks I have my biopsy to make sure my cancer is gone. If that comes back clean, then my cancer is officially in remission! I'll have a biopsy every three months for the next three years, then every four months for a year, then every six months, and you get the idea. I'm a little nervous about my biopsy because if it isn't completely clear, that means major surgery, more chemotherapy, etc. Most likely, my biopsy WILL come back clean, so I really shouldn't think about about the "what ifs" but it still makes me nervous. One of my favorite scriptures has been a big comfort to me when I start worrying too much or stressing myself out. Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."


I have more I want to post, but my family blog has been seriously neglected the last few weeks, so once I get that updated hopefully I will have time to come back to this blog :)

Farrah Fawcett, Fanny Packs, and Me

Ok so even though having cancer is one of the most un-fun things in the world, there are some funny moments to be had along the way. The type of cancer I have is, in a word: awkward. Basically I had to decide if I was going to be super embarrassed about it all the time, or if I was going to laugh at the incredibly awkward moments that have ensued. Lucky for me, I'm already a pretty awkward person, and I find humor in making people uncomfortable, so it's turned out pretty okay. Anyway, I thought I'd document some of the silly/awkward/funny moments we've had along the way.

• Did you know that I have more in common with Farrah Fawcett than you? It's true. Her and I both suffer from the same rare type of cancer (anal--fun stuff). Sadly, this beautiful lady lost her battle with cancer, but it will certainly give us something to talk about on the other side, right?
• I am the proud owner of 3 tattoos. Be jealous. Ok...they're only the size of a freckle, but still. The radiation center gives their patients small ink tattoos to make it easier to line my body up correctly on the lasers when I receive my radiation. The only time it's okay to get a tattoo and not talk to your bishop :)
• I also own a very stylish fanny pack that my chemo pump hangs out it. Fanny packs are so incredibly trendy that amazon doesn't even sell them. I had to find some obscure backpacking website to order it from. Never in a million years thought I would pay for overnight shipping because I was so excited to get a fanny pack--but I was. It sure beats the ugly black one the doctor's office gave me. 
• When I was getting ready for church on Sunday, I wanted to swear when I realized that I have nothing but peach fuzz on my head, but I still had to shave my legs. Oh the irony...
• On the bright side, (this is probably way too much information for most people, so feel free to skip to the next line) thanks to my radiation I am the recipient of the world's most expensive laser hair removal on my bikini line, so that's pretty exciting. 
• Every time I go to radiation, meaning five days a week, my nurse asks me how I'm feeling, then she tells me that I'm looking pale. I think I might need to bring in a pre-cancer picture because I think it would explain a lot. 
• I told Dallas' family that if any of them could come up with a more awkward type of cancer to get than the one I have, I would give they $20. So far none of them have offered even a suggestion.
• Yesterday I received a prescription from my doctor for a cranium prosthesis. . . Can you think of a more awkward way to say, "wig"?
• I have worn jeans exactly twice in the month of April. Thank you radiation burns for giving me an awesome excuse to wear yoga pants and sweat pants everywhere. 
• This is kind of dark humor, but cancer is a common joke at our house. Sometimes when I'm feeling sick or I'm dragging at the grocery store or whatever, Dallas will say, "Quit acting like you have cancer or something...." or when we talk about our plans or whatever he'll say, "Well, my wife just had to go and get cancer, so..." I think a couple of people have thought he's serious. 
• So far, my eyebrows and eyelashes have hung in like troopers, which I am so thankful for. My eyebrows are way past due for a good tweezing, but I'm so afraid of ticking off the eyebrow gods that I haven't had the heart to pluck a single spare hair.
• If you ever have a couple of hours to kill, get online and start shopping for wigs and hats for cancer patients. The results are nothings short of hilarious. I was given a pamphlet for a "really nice wig shop in Utah" called "Jean Paree Weegs" (yes, "weegs." Clever, no?) 
• A few wigs in the running to grace my head the next few months....

I was very disappointed when I realized "Celine" was discontinued. Thankfully, they have a wide range of other stylish and modern wigs to choose from. My mom said she didn't think I could rock that much bang anyway.

So glamorous

It's worth turning your head to get the full effect of "Sassy".

This is my favorite model. I love her sexy over the shoulder pose.

"The Oprah"

Another disappointment, I can no longer order the wig that would make me look like a dead ringer for Hillary Clinton.

"Summer Fun"

Don't worry, they also have an assortment of men's wigs, including "The Feather", "Ultimate", and "Prince". I'm preferable to "The Feather" because I have secret fantasies of Dallas looking like the "Dos Equis" man.

If any of you and wondering what to get me for my birthday, this ultimate fringe bang attachment is "a perfect compliment when you want to have a hint of hair showing underneath your hat or turban." The pink shower turban is also very in style this season :) 

Here's a couple of pictures of my little wig models.

Little Sister was laughing so hard that I couldn't get a good picture of her. She thought wearing a wig was HILARIOUS.

A bonus picture of me being the loch ness monster when I was at the ER a few weeks ago. Oh hair...how I miss you.

Like Mother, Like Daughters

So thankful for these silly girls who make everyday an adventure :)

Where's Yours Hair Go?

I haven't posted lately, I've been pretty sick. It's been almost three weeks since my last round of chemotherapy and I've been in a word: miserable. I decided I'd rather not fill my blog up with how miserably sick I've been, so I haven't really posted. There's so much complaining and negativity on the internet, and I'd rather my blog be a place of happiness and positive energy, even though life isn't perfect and I have hard days. To make a long story short, I am one of the very few people whose body has a very severe reaction to the type of chemo that is needed to treat my cancer. I'll be getting test results back next week to see if I have an enzyme deficiency that caused me to react so poorly to my chemotherapy. Basically every symptom I could have gotten, I got in full force. I had severe sores all over my body that made it impossible to swallow, so I ended up having to be admitted to the hospital and I got several days of IV fluids. I lost about 15 pounds but I've gained some of that back, so I am definitely on the upswing. According to my oncologist, on a scale of 1 to 10, my chemotherapy hit me at a full 10.  As soon as one symptom started to be relieved, another one would start up. We had to take a break from my radiation to allow my burns to heal, but things are finally doing a lot better and I started back on radiation today. Today is the first day in weeks that I have felt "sick" and not "miserable". I know that make me sounds like such a downer, but I am grateful for small blessings. 


I do my second and final (!) round of chemo next week and I finish up my radiation as well so I am pretty excited! It will take some time for my body to recover, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm grateful for that. This whole process has been really hard, my body has gone through more than I thought was physically possible, but the hardest part has been not being able to take care of my family the way I want to. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the multitude of angels I have in my life who have taken care of everything and made sure that my family has wanted for nothing. My husband amazes me, he has single handedly taken over everything I did, plus being my full time nurse and therapist and did I mention he graduated with his bachelor's degree last week?!? I am in no position to ever complain about my husband leaving his socks lying around or not changing diapers. If anything it is the other way around! I'm so thankful I have had so many willing hands to take such good care of our girls. They are doing so well considering the circumstances and I'm so grateful I have been able to rest knowing they are being taken care of by such wonderful moms. 

Dallas' graduation. 

About ten days ago, my hair started falling out. I cut it short and was able to get through a few more days, but the constant shedding was driving me crazy. My sister came up and spent a couple of days with me while Dallas had military stuff. She showed me a bunch of youtube videos on scarf tying and brought me extra fabric, so after ordering some scarves online and realizing that my hair was too thin to wear without a hat, I decided to just get it over it. I never in a million years thought I would shave my head! I know this sounds super weird, but it was actually really fun. I took scissors to my head and started cutting it like a five year old hacking away at Barbie hair, then Dallas and I took the clippers to it and buzzed it short. It was awesome, it was like a fresh start. I've been constantly brushing itchy hairs off my shirt, cleaning the drain, and sweeping the floor trying to get rid of all the hair, so just shaving it off and throwing it away felt awesome. I got a bit of a head rush when I saw myself totally bald in the mirror and I had to stick my head between my knees to keep from throwing up, but I got over the initial shock. 


I thought losing my hair would be a bigger deal to me. I've been growing it out for the last couple years. I have a whole board on Pinterest full of cute ways to braid my hair, twist it, and style it in beautiful ways. I've loved having it long and I was so excited for Dallas to see my hair in person when he came home from Iraq because I had had short hair as long as we'd known each other. Getting my hair done and fixing it in an attractive way made me feel beautiful and feminine. After I was diagnosed with cancer, I went to the temple and I had a thought. Hair doesn't make me beautiful. Makeup and clothes, while they enhance beauty, they're not what makes me beautiful. I feel the most beautiful when I am rocking my babies to sleep, when I am fixing my family dinner, and when I go on a date with my husband. I feel beautiful when I go to church and take the sacrament. I feel beautiful when I brighten someone's day or serve someone in need. Being a wife and being a mom, being a daughter of God, that's what makes me beautiful. When Dallas finished shaving my head, he looked at me in the mirror. I had no hair, no makeup on, and he looked me in the eye, gave me a kiss, and said, "You are beautiful." And you know what? I believe him. 


This morning when we were in the car Big Sister spotted my wig sitting in the backseat (I haven't worn it yet) and was really confused. She said, "What's yours hair doing back here?" I told her it was a wig and it was pretend hair like a hat, but to her that made no sense. "That's Nana's hair?" she kept asking me. (My mom had shoulder length blonde hair, so I guess that kind of made sense.) When we got home, I took off my hat and showed the girls my bald head. "Where's yours hair go Mom?" she asked. I told her that the medicine they gave me to help my cancer made it fall out. She asked me where it went and I said it was in the garbage. She looked at me, really confused, and then it was like a lightbulb went off in her head. "Mom! It's in the car! Yours hair is in the car! Go get it and put it back! Go get it! Why did you take it off?" Needless to say, Dallas and I have had a good laugh about that today. I finally was able to explain to  her that my hair was going to grow back, but for now it was gone. After she scolded me for throwing it away and told me to be nice to my head, she asked if her hair was going to fall out. Thankfully, I promised her that it wouldn't. I told her that Dad said I look beautiful and I said, "Sis, do you think I'm beautiful?" She looked at me and gave me a kiss and said, "Yes, you are so bootiful Mom." Baby Sister touched my head, touched her head, then laughed at me like I was the silliest Mom in the world for losing my hair. I don't know what I would do without my sweet little family to get me through the hard days. Eventually I'm going to post some pictures of me in my head scarves (I'm sure I'll have plenty because I'm probably going to be bald ALL SUMMER.) but for now I'm just going to close with one of my favorite Mormon Messages. 


"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result." 
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin



I know I just have a few people that read this, but those of you that do and are going through your own trials like we all do, I hope you are able to find joy in your life. Things have been hard lately, but my life is filled with so many small joys and blessings. When I ask Heavenly Father for help, He always points them out and shows me how blessed I really am.