Gratitude

A few weeks ago I read something that really changed my outlook on life. It basically said that for everything we have to complain about, there is something to be grateful for. In fact, a lot of our "complaints" are actually blessings, if we take the time to see them. 

Today has been a sucky day. I'm coming up on my two year "cancerversary" and I've realized that cancer has really sucked. I will probably never gain back the health I once had. I still have complications from my treatment I am dealing with and will probably continue to deal with. I will never again live without the heavy cloud of relapse hanging over my head, and that's hard. I'm not saying all this to have a pity party, but to prove a point, I promise! 

The last two years have brought me:

-7 surgeries and surgical procedures with another one looming over my head soon.
-8 weeks of chemotherapy plus recovery time
-30 rounds of radiation
-Over 100 doctor appointments
-Dozens and dozens of needle sticks and IVs and blood draws
-Feeling like my body is much, much older than 23.

I had more on my list, 20 things exactly, but it's depressing and unproductive, and I think you get the point.

Sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself for the things I don't have. 

But then I stop and think about all the things I've been blessed with because of my cancer:

-Being alive

I just have to stop and think about that sometimes and drink it in. Some might think me overdramatic, but I really feel like the destroying angel passed over me. If it had been a few more months before they found the cancer, if it hadn't responded to the treatment, if I'd been born a few decades earlier, if the cancer had developed while I was pregnant; when I think about the "ifs" it takes my breath away.

Really I could stop the list right there and it would be worth it, it would all be worth it and a hundred fold. Having these last two years with my family, having so many future years with my family. It's all worth it so much. I told my oncologist when I was first diagnosed that I didn't care what he did as long as I got to see my little girls grow up. Shave my head, amputate my legs, remove whatever tissue and organs needed, put my body through hell, I really didn't care. I really didn't. But now, almost two years later, Satan wants me to forget those feelings. He wants me to see healthy moms with new babies and healthy bodies and he wants me to be jealous. And resentful. And to feel like I've been cheated when in fact I've been blessed with such a beautiful life. Each day we awaken and live is a blessing and a gift from God. It's not a guarantee. But we all squander those days; being grumpy, being unproductive, taking our blessings for granted. It's a shame. It's so sad. 

Onto some more of my list:

-A closer relationship with my husband
-Gratitude and love for my imperfect, not always healthy body
-Better relationships with extended family
-Learning to take the time to say, "I love you" and "thank you."
-Gratitude for the ability to care for my children
-A knowledge that most people on earth are good and loving and kind. For every rude stare or thoughtless comment I got, I got at least a dozen or more kind thoughts and gestures. I could fill books with them. The neighbor who was inspired to bring us dinner on Easter; not knowing I had planned on cooking, gotten sick, and we were going to have leftovers. The kind people at the store who would tell me how beautiful I looked, even though they could tell I didn't have any hair. The care package from Dallas' aunt and uncle that brightened a horrible day. My mother-in-law for helping me prepare my freezer for chemo. The Relief Society sisters who prayed for our family and fed us for months. My wonderful wonderful siblings, sibling-in-laws, and mom who watched our kids. My sister-in-law who frequently took me to chemo and radiation. My parents thoughtfully buying me my saving grace, the iPad; helping us move after my surgery, coming to my appointments and so much more. My sister who stayed with me one night when Dallas was gone, taught me how to tie my headscarf, cooked me dinner, and scrubbed my bathroom floor. The people who anonymously bought our dinner at Texas Roadhouse when Dallas and I went on our first "post hair" date. My good husband who took over everything and never complained about it, not even once. It's not even a drop in the bucket for all the good deeds we witnessed. People can be so kind, so thoughtful, and so loving. We really are His hands. 
-More respect for doctors, nurses, pharmacists, pathologists, and all those in the health field. Respect for the sacrifices they made to learn how to heal us and the sacrifices their families make as they work crazy hours to treat us.

-A strong, strong testimony that the power of the priesthood is real. That God is with us and never deserts us, even in our darkest hour, that the Atonement has the power to heal physical and spiritual pain, that Jesus Christ did perform mighty miracles on the earth and that those miracles have not and will not cease. 
-Added patience. I've come a long way, but I've got a loooong way to still go.
-Appreciation for a healthy mind. Chemo brain and memory loss is no joke. I'm so thankful for the ability to learn new things and remembers names and dates and other memories.
-Firsthand knowledge of what people's real needs are when a crisis comes. I've learned what to specifically offer instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything…."
-Increased compassion for those who suffer, especially for the people who have problems MUCH worse than mine. 
-The ability to keep my mouth shut occasionally. (A couple weeks of mouth sore induced silence did me a world of good.)
-The knowledge that we can do all things through Christ.
-Even more respect for my amazing, selfless, kindhearted husband. 
-Learning to laugh even on the worst days.
-Learning that "this too shall pass"
-More gratitude for the military, its paychecks, and its heaven-sent insurance. 
-Learning that our time and the Lord's time may be two different things, but His timing is perfect. 
-Learning how to buy adequate food storage that will keep you from going to the store for 2 more months.
-Learning how to make freezer meals like a boss
-A greater testimony of the blessings of missionary service and military service. 
-Learning to enjoy the moment and not worry too much about the future
-Added peace and happiness

I had to wrack my brain to come up with 20 things to complain about, and I could write at least a hundred more blessings down. That's the way it works--"The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21). The Lord may deny us some blessings, wait to answer prayers, and allow hard timed to befall us, but He always gives. And His blessings ALWAYS outnumber what we have had taken from us, often by a hundred fold. It's Satan that wants us to feel cheated, like our life sucks, that things are unfair. Heavenly Father wants us to open our eyes, see the beauty around us, and recognize His hand in it all. 


"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Heal the Wound But Leave the Scar

       I realize it's been almost a year since I updated this blog, but it's not because I haven't thought about it. I've thought and thought and thought about it, I just haven't written anything. Ernest Hemingway said, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." I guess I've been afraid to sit down and bleed and share it with others, so I haven't. I decided to go back to school this fall and focus more on writing, so I thought this blog would be a good place to start.

       After I found out I was cancer free, I was planning on writing a blog post called, "Full Circle" and talk about how everything with my cancer had come full circle. The day the doctor's found my tumor, my brother got his mission call. We were planning on being there when he opened it, but life had other plans. When he was opening his call, at 6:00 pm, I was getting an CT scan to see if the cancer had spread to any of my organs (thankfully, it hadn't). I remember checking my phone while I was laying on the table, and it said 6:04. It was one of the worse feelings ever. Four months later, exactly a week before he left on his mission, the biopsy results came back that I was cancer-free. That was one of the best feelings ever. The Lord is definitely aware of our circumstances and timing. When someone chooses to serve a mission, their whole family is blessed. That I know for certain.

     I kept planning on writing a post about that and how everything had come full circle, but I never really felt like it had come full circle. Even now, over a year after my diagnosis, I don't feel like it has come full circle. I don't feel like my cancer journey is "over". Yes, I'm cancer-free, but I still live in pain every day. I feel like I live my life in three-month increments between biopsies. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to fit in my next cancer check at the hospital, I missed it last week because of the stomach flu. I look at pictures before my cancer, with my long hair, and I don't feel like I've come full circle back to the person I was. Life doesn't have some magic eraser that you can use to blot out the least favorite memories. 

This picture was taken on our cruise about five months before I was diagnosed.

       I have this image in my head that I refer back to whenever I try to remember how far I've come. It was the day I shaved my head. I'd been so sick on chemo and I had radiation burns down my legs. I was still using a wheelchair anytime I had to walk more than 20 steps. Dallas had helped me shave my head and then I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I saw myself in the mirror and it made me sick.  I was so skinny you could count my ribs. I was bald and I had scars criss-crossing my abdomen. I was hunched over because it hurt too much to walk. I quickly looked away. That was probably my low point. Cancer has a way of stripping you down to the bare bones. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, it leaves you raw. 

       Physically, I'm almost all better. All my scars have healed. I've been cancer free 10 months now. I've regained most of the flexibility in my legs. I'm sleeping and exercising again. I've don't take painkillers anymore. My hair has grown back. 

       Emotionally, I'm healing, but it has taken a lot longer. I've been waiting to feel like the person I was before, for everything to come full circle, and I don't think that's ever going to happen. In a lot of ways, that's good. I'm more thankful for my blessings. I don't stress about the little things. I'm more patient with my girls. I am closer to my husband than ever. In some ways, it's hard. I feel like I have a hidden weight I carry around that other people don't. I try not to live in constant fear that my cancer will come back, but every time my three month cancer check comes up, I find myself thinking about what-ifs. I stress way too much about my hair. But I've come a long way. Sometimes I go days without thinking about cancer at all. My life no longer revolves around pill schedules, chemo, or how I'm feeling that day. I look at the picture below and I know I'm not that person anymore either, I've come a long way.

       This picture was taken at the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life last summer. I'm wearing my purple survivor shirt. On the back it says, "SURVIVOR. I am hope!"

       I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I miss the person I used to be, I'm happy with the person I am today. I don't worry as much what other people think about me. I am happy every day. I try harder to be the person I want to be. I don't let silly things that don't matter keep me from living the life I've always imagined. I tell people "I love you" more. 

       I try to live a life without regrets. Elder Uchtdorf's talk last conference pierced my soul. He talked about how to live a life without regret.

To avoid some of the deepest regrets of life, it would be wise to make some resolutions today. Therefore, let us:

• Resolve to spend more time with those we love. 
• Resolve to strive more earnestly to become the person God wants us to be.
• Resolve to find happiness, regardless of our circumstances.

--Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

       In the meantime, I'm still working on healing and finding joy in the journey. Nothing really comes "full circle". Life moves forward, people change. You can choose whether you're going to move forward with it or not. My husband tells me all the time, "Remember, you don't have cancer anymore." And I don't! I'm moving past it. I love this quote I heard the other day.

       I love this quote, too. Every trial will end someday. The sun always rises. If you rely on Jesus Christ, your night will be a little less dark because it will be illuminated by the light of our Savior. That I know for certain. Jesus Christ is the Savior of mankind and the Light and Life of the world. There is no wound too deep, no sin too red, no life too broken for Him to heal with His miraculous atonement. I don't just believe that. I know it, I live it, and I love it. 

       Below are the some of the lyrics to the song that inspired my post. It came on Pandora today and the words pierced my soul.  I highly recommend listening to this song; there's something about music that soothes the soul and speaks to us in a way that words cannot.

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don't take pride in what I bring

But I'll build an altar with

The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing

Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget

Everything You've done for me

Don't let me forget

The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar

A reminder of how merciful You are

I am broken, torn apart

Take the pieces of this heart

And heal the wound but leave the scar

       I'm thankful for my scars. Every time I see the two inch gash on my shoulder it reminds me that I'm a survivor and that I've been healed. I'm looking forward to the day when we are all resurrected. Our bodies will return to a perfect and all the scars will be gone, because they won't matter anymore. In the meantime, I'm thankful for a daily reminder that my life has been touched by the hand of God. 

How to Really Raise Awareness for Cancer

I'm planning a big post coming up on being cancer-free, the last 6 months, etc. but for now I wanted to share this picture.

Be smart about cancer! "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear!"

Done with Chemo and Radiation!

It's been a long time! I've been busy, and when I do have spare time, I've been trying to get back into the swing of things.

I finished my chemotherapy and my radiation about a month ago.  I got my chemo pump off on a Friday and I finished up my radiation on a Monday. Some days it felt like I was never going to finish. When my last radiation treatment was over, my therapists hit the lights, turned on the disco ball and the bubble machine, and played music to congratulate me. 
I felt like a super big dork accepting my "You Did It!" certificate, but it was very sweet.


My third round of chemo went much better than my second. I was still sick, yucky, nauseous, exhausted, dizzy, etc. but compared to round 2, I felt great. I'm still working on recovering from my radiation and all of its "fun" side effects, but at my one month checkup my radiologist said my skin looked great. The best part about finishing my cancer treatment was that the Wednesday after I finished I was able to have my girls home with me all day by myself. Since February, I've basically had to have someone either take the girls for the day, or come up and help me with them. In many cases, the girls would go to someone else's house for the day and someone would come up and stay with me. Since Dallas graduated and started working full time, it was even trickier to get everything worked out. I'm so thankful for our family and friends, for everyone who babysat, ran to the pharmacy, took me to my appointments, brought food, offered prayers, and on and on. Everyone is busy. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, "I have absolutely nothing I need to or want to do today. I guess I'll go help Carissa." I know everyone who helped us sacrificed to do so, and I'm very thankful for them. 


As much as I appreciate all of the help, I was so excited the first day I was able to take care of the girls all day by myself. It was a wonderful accomplishment. To this day, I still spend a lot of time on the couch, and Dallas is still doing a lot of the laundry and other chores, but I am able to get everyone fed, bathed, dressed, down for naps, etc. I've even gone to the grocery store a couple of times and I've eased back in to making dinner. I didn't realize how much the simple, everyday things meant to me until I couldn't do them. I've discovered just how joyous it can me to take care of simple things for your family.

In two weeks I have my biopsy to make sure my cancer is gone. If that comes back clean, then my cancer is officially in remission! I'll have a biopsy every three months for the next three years, then every four months for a year, then every six months, and you get the idea. I'm a little nervous about my biopsy because if it isn't completely clear, that means major surgery, more chemotherapy, etc. Most likely, my biopsy WILL come back clean, so I really shouldn't think about about the "what ifs" but it still makes me nervous. One of my favorite scriptures has been a big comfort to me when I start worrying too much or stressing myself out. Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."


I have more I want to post, but my family blog has been seriously neglected the last few weeks, so once I get that updated hopefully I will have time to come back to this blog :)

Farrah Fawcett, Fanny Packs, and Me

Ok so even though having cancer is one of the most un-fun things in the world, there are some funny moments to be had along the way. The type of cancer I have is, in a word: awkward. Basically I had to decide if I was going to be super embarrassed about it all the time, or if I was going to laugh at the incredibly awkward moments that have ensued. Lucky for me, I'm already a pretty awkward person, and I find humor in making people uncomfortable, so it's turned out pretty okay. Anyway, I thought I'd document some of the silly/awkward/funny moments we've had along the way.

• Did you know that I have more in common with Farrah Fawcett than you? It's true. Her and I both suffer from the same rare type of cancer (anal--fun stuff). Sadly, this beautiful lady lost her battle with cancer, but it will certainly give us something to talk about on the other side, right?
• I am the proud owner of 3 tattoos. Be jealous. Ok...they're only the size of a freckle, but still. The radiation center gives their patients small ink tattoos to make it easier to line my body up correctly on the lasers when I receive my radiation. The only time it's okay to get a tattoo and not talk to your bishop :)
• I also own a very stylish fanny pack that my chemo pump hangs out it. Fanny packs are so incredibly trendy that amazon doesn't even sell them. I had to find some obscure backpacking website to order it from. Never in a million years thought I would pay for overnight shipping because I was so excited to get a fanny pack--but I was. It sure beats the ugly black one the doctor's office gave me. 
• When I was getting ready for church on Sunday, I wanted to swear when I realized that I have nothing but peach fuzz on my head, but I still had to shave my legs. Oh the irony...
• On the bright side, (this is probably way too much information for most people, so feel free to skip to the next line) thanks to my radiation I am the recipient of the world's most expensive laser hair removal on my bikini line, so that's pretty exciting. 
• Every time I go to radiation, meaning five days a week, my nurse asks me how I'm feeling, then she tells me that I'm looking pale. I think I might need to bring in a pre-cancer picture because I think it would explain a lot. 
• I told Dallas' family that if any of them could come up with a more awkward type of cancer to get than the one I have, I would give they $20. So far none of them have offered even a suggestion.
• Yesterday I received a prescription from my doctor for a cranium prosthesis. . . Can you think of a more awkward way to say, "wig"?
• I have worn jeans exactly twice in the month of April. Thank you radiation burns for giving me an awesome excuse to wear yoga pants and sweat pants everywhere. 
• This is kind of dark humor, but cancer is a common joke at our house. Sometimes when I'm feeling sick or I'm dragging at the grocery store or whatever, Dallas will say, "Quit acting like you have cancer or something...." or when we talk about our plans or whatever he'll say, "Well, my wife just had to go and get cancer, so..." I think a couple of people have thought he's serious. 
• So far, my eyebrows and eyelashes have hung in like troopers, which I am so thankful for. My eyebrows are way past due for a good tweezing, but I'm so afraid of ticking off the eyebrow gods that I haven't had the heart to pluck a single spare hair.
• If you ever have a couple of hours to kill, get online and start shopping for wigs and hats for cancer patients. The results are nothings short of hilarious. I was given a pamphlet for a "really nice wig shop in Utah" called "Jean Paree Weegs" (yes, "weegs." Clever, no?) 
• A few wigs in the running to grace my head the next few months....

I was very disappointed when I realized "Celine" was discontinued. Thankfully, they have a wide range of other stylish and modern wigs to choose from. My mom said she didn't think I could rock that much bang anyway.

So glamorous

It's worth turning your head to get the full effect of "Sassy".

This is my favorite model. I love her sexy over the shoulder pose.

"The Oprah"

Another disappointment, I can no longer order the wig that would make me look like a dead ringer for Hillary Clinton.

"Summer Fun"

Don't worry, they also have an assortment of men's wigs, including "The Feather", "Ultimate", and "Prince". I'm preferable to "The Feather" because I have secret fantasies of Dallas looking like the "Dos Equis" man.

If any of you and wondering what to get me for my birthday, this ultimate fringe bang attachment is "a perfect compliment when you want to have a hint of hair showing underneath your hat or turban." The pink shower turban is also very in style this season :) 

Here's a couple of pictures of my little wig models.

Little Sister was laughing so hard that I couldn't get a good picture of her. She thought wearing a wig was HILARIOUS.

A bonus picture of me being the loch ness monster when I was at the ER a few weeks ago. Oh hair...how I miss you.