The last two years have brought me:
-7 surgeries and surgical procedures with another one looming over my head soon.
-8 weeks of chemotherapy plus recovery time
-30 rounds of radiation
-Over 100 doctor appointments
-Dozens and dozens of needle sticks and IVs and blood draws
-Feeling like my body is much, much older than 23.
I had more on my list, 20 things exactly, but it's depressing and unproductive, and I think you get the point.
Sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for myself for the things I don't have.
But then I stop and think about all the things I've been blessed with because of my cancer:
-Being alive
I just have to stop and think about that sometimes and drink it in. Some might think me overdramatic, but I really feel like the destroying angel passed over me. If it had been a few more months before they found the cancer, if it hadn't responded to the treatment, if I'd been born a few decades earlier, if the cancer had developed while I was pregnant; when I think about the "ifs" it takes my breath away.
Really I could stop the list right there and it would be worth it, it would all be worth it and a hundred fold. Having these last two years with my family, having so many future years with my family. It's all worth it so much. I told my oncologist when I was first diagnosed that I didn't care what he did as long as I got to see my little girls grow up. Shave my head, amputate my legs, remove whatever tissue and organs needed, put my body through hell, I really didn't care. I really didn't. But now, almost two years later, Satan wants me to forget those feelings. He wants me to see healthy moms with new babies and healthy bodies and he wants me to be jealous. And resentful. And to feel like I've been cheated when in fact I've been blessed with such a beautiful life. Each day we awaken and live is a blessing and a gift from God. It's not a guarantee. But we all squander those days; being grumpy, being unproductive, taking our blessings for granted. It's a shame. It's so sad.
Onto some more of my list:
-A closer relationship with my husband
-Gratitude and love for my imperfect, not always healthy body
-Better relationships with extended family
-Learning to take the time to say, "I love you" and "thank you."
-Gratitude for the ability to care for my children
-A knowledge that most people on earth are good and loving and kind. For every rude stare or thoughtless comment I got, I got at least a dozen or more kind thoughts and gestures. I could fill books with them. The neighbor who was inspired to bring us dinner on Easter; not knowing I had planned on cooking, gotten sick, and we were going to have leftovers. The kind people at the store who would tell me how beautiful I looked, even though they could tell I didn't have any hair. The care package from Dallas' aunt and uncle that brightened a horrible day. My mother-in-law for helping me prepare my freezer for chemo. The Relief Society sisters who prayed for our family and fed us for months. My wonderful wonderful siblings, sibling-in-laws, and mom who watched our kids. My sister-in-law who frequently took me to chemo and radiation. My parents thoughtfully buying me my saving grace, the iPad; helping us move after my surgery, coming to my appointments and so much more. My sister who stayed with me one night when Dallas was gone, taught me how to tie my headscarf, cooked me dinner, and scrubbed my bathroom floor. The people who anonymously bought our dinner at Texas Roadhouse when Dallas and I went on our first "post hair" date. My good husband who took over everything and never complained about it, not even once. It's not even a drop in the bucket for all the good deeds we witnessed. People can be so kind, so thoughtful, and so loving. We really are His hands.
-More respect for doctors, nurses, pharmacists, pathologists, and all those in the health field. Respect for the sacrifices they made to learn how to heal us and the sacrifices their families make as they work crazy hours to treat us.
-A strong, strong testimony that the power of the priesthood is real. That God is with us and never deserts us, even in our darkest hour, that the Atonement has the power to heal physical and spiritual pain, that Jesus Christ did perform mighty miracles on the earth and that those miracles have not and will not cease.
-Added patience. I've come a long way, but I've got a loooong way to still go.
-Appreciation for a healthy mind. Chemo brain and memory loss is no joke. I'm so thankful for the ability to learn new things and remembers names and dates and other memories.
-Firsthand knowledge of what people's real needs are when a crisis comes. I've learned what to specifically offer instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything…."
-Increased compassion for those who suffer, especially for the people who have problems MUCH worse than mine.
-The ability to keep my mouth shut occasionally. (A couple weeks of mouth sore induced silence did me a world of good.)
-The knowledge that we can do all things through Christ.
-Even more respect for my amazing, selfless, kindhearted husband.
-Learning to laugh even on the worst days.
-Learning that "this too shall pass"
-More gratitude for the military, its paychecks, and its heaven-sent insurance.
-Learning that our time and the Lord's time may be two different things, but His timing is perfect.
-Learning how to buy adequate food storage that will keep you from going to the store for 2 more months.
-Learning how to make freezer meals like a boss
-A greater testimony of the blessings of missionary service and military service.
-Learning to enjoy the moment and not worry too much about the future
-Added peace and happiness
"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." Doctrine and Covenants 6:36
